No amount of therapy is ever going to change how I feel about my daughter, psychologist reports is just stupid. They are not even accurate, gosh at some moments one can feel a certain way and in another moment they will feel differently. When I went to see the psychiatrist I did not know how to tick her boxes.. she gave me like 4 pages of boxes to tick.. most the time I put what I wanted her to hear lol... have you ever banged your hands on the table... you think hmmm!! have I?? probably like maybe once but I dont know, its not something I am gonna be thinking about much... but the answer is like often, rarely, never and variations of such questions... when a lot of the time you dont even know what box to tick... I was a bit worried anyway... I dont like going out now because it just pains me to see other children when I dont have my baby... at first I used to just cry every time I saw a chlid.. I still cry sometimes.. for a year and a half they have put us through this. I have a degree in computer science and tought piano for 7 years to both children and adults... I gave my child the perfect up bringing and never harmed her or put her in any danger. They say she was at risk of danger... but she was never actually in any!!!... they treat me like a criminal, when I am a victim... and no one seems to care or notice this!!! just ignore who I really am and they just imagine me in their own mind as what they want me to be, which helps them tick boxes and fill in their reports.
I did think she missjudged me by telling me things in detail as if I did not understand.
Explaining it to me like I had some sort of mental problem. "you open the door by pulling the handle". You know I should be grateful, as how on earth would I get in or out of another building without her!! good job I spoke to the therapist when I did. Hey maybe this 12 month therapy will also show me how to turn a tap on and maybe run a bath!! wooot!! happy days... hey dont know how I have survived all this time living on my own!!
Anyway enough of the sarcasm..!!
today has been a hard day for me. When my angel left she said to me that is would be better if we did contact at nursery because sometimes other mums and dads are allowed in. That would be much better Gracie said. I just started crying and kissed her arm and told her I was sorry I was not there and I wish I could be and I still love her the same or more than any other mums there. she wiped away my tears with her dress and said "there there mum, wipe those tears away" she is so sweet; she is only 4. They do not understand what they are depriving my daughter of.
At times like this when they are talking about staying the same for the next so many months then having review meeting... it just drags you down.. I dont wanna do anything to jepodise my situation, but I feel I have to do something!!! I cant just sit here feeling like a week and shrivelled human being and feeling like I have just let my daughter down. I have to keep fighting!! though do it in a professional way and we are allowed free speach... I am allowed to write down my thoughts to share with you... I am allowed to write a petition for my child and make videos... fight in a positive way... where there is no anger and shouting between people... and just me trying to do everything I can to save my baby from her missery...
her attention span is alot shorter and she just blocks out things... she goes deap into her world and she cant even hear you speak!! It just breaks my heart to see what has been destroyed and what they deprive my daughter of... and no one seems to even think I really matter...
I said today to new team leader that our life has been destroyed... she said well yours has.... sounds like she implying that Gracies has not!! they just choose to be blind to the truth and reality... I just said "Gracie's has too"... no point arguing and shouting they just write it down and use it against you...
They expect good loving mothers to not act like that... A good loving mother would scream, shout and cry when child is taken off them... though if you ever act like this they then call you a bad mother... so you cant win with them... unless you just let them control you.... they just want to completely control and have power over you... they want you to act like it is no big deal!
anyway I dont get angry at any of the staff and am often generous to the. But I always make a fuss when I see Gracie.. I have not shouted for 8 months... there is really no reason why I should not be with Gracie and there never was really to do with me... they where worried about the potential danger of the crazy man but I would of never let him near her... he has never even be to this country..
I dont want anything to do with him and I have not spoken to him for 8 months... yet they still say I am unfit... there is no reason why I am unfit... that is why this system just energy steels from me and Gracie by keeping us sad inside and in our hearts and them controlling our every move... I cannot express my feelings and concerns to the people cos they dont value what I have to say... so I will express it here and try and hope for them to listen through this method of comunication and expression!!
There is always hope.. I believe the system can change and it will !! I believe in God and I can never stop doing everything in his name. Hey I am not perfect and dont always choose the right thing... though I always try to and analyse my actions and try and better myself every day...
I can imagine that anyone who watches this video will see the love and bond between me and Gracie and you will see how it is so important that I am a big part of My Angel's life
please sign my petition to get Gracie back to me http://www.change.org/en-GB/petitions/social-services-give-me-my-angel-gracie-back?share_id=xbHaXEEHkY
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